Working with your inner child
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I know working with your inner child might sound a bit “out there” to some of you. But, it can be an amazing tool to help you feel safe, supported and more confident as an adult.
Did you just eye roll at me? I hope you didn’t because learning to work with your inner child could be a game-changer. It was for me.
When I was younger, I called myself Ova. Not Laurie, Ova. I have no idea why. Back in the day, I loved to sing (badly) and dance. Performing made up shows was a hobby. And I read ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t embarrassed to ask questions, admit things I didn’t know and follow my curiosity about anything and everything. At home, we had my mum’s old Encyclopaedia Britannica’s. I’d spend hours looking things up and writing notes so I could know more just because. I’ve written about this before, in my 5 Ways to Embrace Your Inner Child post.
Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with this little girl.
I got serious. Life got hard. I “grew up”. Drinking replaced the fun childlike stuff I used to do. Alcohol became my hobby, I drank before I went dancing and with friends to socialise. I connected with people over a drink (I think plenty of us do that) and I felt like I needed a drink to dance. I had forgotten that I used to dance for no reason. Once upon a time, I would get on a stage for fun. Seriously just for fun. I was NOT made for acting or singing. I cringe and how bad I was now but I loved it. But as a child, I did things just because.
I started self-medicating with alcohol young-ish. I didn’t know this was what I was doing at the time. But I was.
When I should have been developing my self-parenting skills, I instead used booze as my dummy.
A therapist once made a suggestion I found really interesting. When we start drinking young, we learn to use alcohol as a way to cope. We rely on alcohol to soothe ourselves, to celebrate, and as a way of caring for ourselves. Yep, like a parent. We take it away, and we have to learn to look after ourselves without our pacifier. This is where I think inner child work can really help. It’s a part of the puzzle piece that doesn’t always get included. But connecting with your inner child can help you in your alcohol-free journey, and as you change your life.
Working with your inner child, the part of your unconscious of the child you once were, can be extremely helpful.
Our unmet needs and suppressed childhood emotions, as well as our childlike innocence, enthusiasm, and zest for life, are all still within us, even if they feel really far away right now. Nourishing your inner child – the part of you who has a temper tantrum when someone cuts you off, who feels abandoned when your significant other goes away for a few weeks or feels scared that nobody will like them if they stop drinking – compassionately like a big sister (or brother) can help you build self-compassion and self-confidence as well as many other positive effects.
Inner child work is one of the techniques I use with my 1:1 coaching clients and it is so powerful to help us integrate and understand all of the different parts of ourselves.
When children are scared or angry, telling them off tends to have the opposite effect of what we want it to. Saying “they are stupid to be upset” or “they have no reason to be angry so they need to get over it” often causes more tears. The same can be said of the way we treat ourselves.
Instead of giving yourself a hard time for having a hard time. Why not try this instead?
When you are feeling scared, frustrated, anxious, fed up, lonely or bored, try asking yourself with that kind compassionate big sister/brother voice: “what do you need?” And then get quiet and listen. There might be a reactive impulsive thought saying booze, chocolate, shopping, but underneath that there is likely something deeper: sleep, rest, connection, or maybe to be listened too. What do you need?
Intrigued? There are lots of other ways to work with your inner child too.
In early sobriety, I found so much joy in recreating what I liked to do as a child. Lots of it is now part of my regular life. Have a think about what you loved to do as a kid. Maybe you liked building things, eating baked potato beans and cheese (just me?!), climbing trees, doing maths puzzles (again, just me?), swinging on swings, singing, dancing, playing with toy cars. Whatever activities you loved as a child; can you make time to include them in your present life? Keep an open mind, and see how adding some playtime can help you feel more connected and find some more joy in your life.
Another tool for working with your inner child
Another tool I turn to when I am feeling disconnected or want to bring more joy into my life is to take my inner child with me when I am going about my daily life. Bear with me here – it was recommended by Thich Nhat Hanh first, and he knows what he’s talking about! – so, I invite my inner child to see the walks, and the writing, and the sunsets, and all of the amazing stuff I get to do these days now I take 100% responsibility for myself. (Amazing stuff she never would have thought possible when she was being called a fat lorry driver at school and hating every minute of it).
You are a super cool grown-up taking brave, courageous steps every day, it’s time to let your inner child now that too <3
DO NOW: Take a moment to reflect on your week, think of one thing you did this week you’re proud of that your inner child would think was super cool or grown up. Allow yourself to feel proud, cool, amazing (insert emotion that works for you).
NEXT STEPS: What is one action you can take from this email to bring inner child work in to your everyday life?
LEARN MORE: If you want to learn more about how healing and working with your inner child can help you on your alcohol-free journey and beyond. There are great books out there. Two of my favourites are: Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh and Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self by Lucia Capacchione.
