Is Hidden Perfectionism Holding You Back?

When you think of a perfectionist, what do you envisage?

I see an impeccably neat, hair perfectly done, person who lives in a very clean, tidy apartment, is always on time and ticks everything off her to do list. That is not me. And so, I have never identified as a perfectionist, until last week.

(That isn’t to say I haven’t used “I am a perfectionist” as one of my weaknesses in a job interview before because I thought it sounded good. I didn’t get the job though, what a surprise.)

I identify with self-sabotage, with low self-esteem, with imposter syndrome, but perfectionism? I always thought ‘nah, that’s not me’. So, I have never done any work on overcoming perfectionism. Every time I see a blog post, book, or Instagram post on it, I scroll on by.

I am big on personal development, as you’ll know if you’ve been following me for a while, and I try to work on areas that I realise are holding me back. But if you don’t know it’s holding you back, you can’t work on it. Self-awareness is everything in personal growth work.

Recently I have realised that the perfectionism I experience is amplified by the “I’m not good enough belief” that I hold.  

There is a dance class in Siem Reap that my friend Debbie teaches called Nia. I love dancing, but I had never done Nia before I arrived here so I put off going for months. Why? Because I was worried that I wouldn’t know how to do it, and therefore I would look bad. My need to dance a Nia class perfectly held me back from even going to the class. Of course I didn’t know how to do it, I had never been to the class before. Going to the class (multiple times) is the only way to know how to do it, and there was no expectation from anyone but me to be good at it. And I’m not even considering the fact that you don’t have to be good at an exercise class to get the benefits of it anyway!

I’ve realised that this perfectionism, that I didn’t realise was perfectionism, has been holding me back for years.

There is a part of me that thinks I would like to be a teacher one day. I got through to the assessment day of Teach First a few years ago. I was so worried about doing the 6-minute sample lesson (and it not being perfect) that I cancelled the assessment day. I’m quite a believer in what will be will be, so if I am meant to be a teacher eventually, I am sure it will happen. Of course, I didn’t know how to teach a lesson perfectly in the way an ACTUAL teacher would, but that’s not what they were looking for. They want to assess your qualities. No one was expecting me to be as good as (or better) than a qualified teacher except myself. Anxiety + perfectionism = never doing what you actually want to do, or are capable of, for fear of it not being perfect each time.

Why do we even strive for perfection?

When good, is often more than enough. I used to think that striving to be absolutely great at everything was a fantastic character trait, but now I realise that it is likely a characteristic of high functioning anxiety that makes me feel like I am never good enough. If I haven’t given 100% (and I often don’t, because who can give 100% the whole time), I tend to call myself lazy and say I will never be successful.

Here are some thoughts I have had recently. Do you identify with any of them? I hope not, but if you do know that you are not alone.

Action: Snoozed my alarm four times. 

Lazy. I will never be successful.

Action: Had an off work day.  

Lazy. I am wasting the company’s money and time. I am shit.

The list goes on. I’m not being a perfect person, and so, I give myself shit.

I read an excellent article the other day that has helped me reframe all of this. To paraphrase the lesson I took from it:

Notice the mistakes you tolerate or excuse in others and give yourself the same breathing space.  

Do not rationalise your perfectionism as a virtue. Instead of perfection, give yourself permission to strive for consistent adequacy punctuated by occasional mistakes.

Consistent adequacy punctuated by occasional mistakes.

Does that sound freeing to you? Because it felt like taking a weight off when I first read it. You mean I don’t have to be the absolute best person all of the time? I can strive for consistent adequacy? Occasional mistakes are okay? Let me tell you now, occasional mistakes are okay – of course they are. I know that, because I allow mistakes at work and in life that are made by my friends and co-workers all of the time. But to myself? Wow, I can give myself a hard time.

With this new perspective, I can reframe the negative thoughts I have when I perform (what I perceive to be) sub-optimal actions.

Action: Snoozed my alarm four times.  

You are tired, it’s okay. Let’s try and go to bed a little earlier tonight.

Action: Had an off work day. 

Consistent adequacy is what you are striving for. Most days you are consistently adequate, some days you are great, today was an off day and you still managed to do almost everything that was needed to be done – it all averages out.  

Could embracing an attitude of adequacy help you to improve your life? I think so. Often self-help books preach: be yourself every day, no excuses, 24/7 you, etc. If this works for you as motivation, keep it! But if you find yourself held back by this approach, too scared to start something for fear of not being good enough and not being perfect first time, try adequacy on for size. Self-compassion is everything. And once you’ve got your foot in the door to start doing the thing, don’t let perfectionism creep back in and stop you from enjoying it. This doesn’t mean you can’t strive for the things you want. You can envisage who you want to be, you can set a morning routine, you can aim 10,000 steps a day, you can dream of climbing a mountain – but don’t let the fear of not being able to climb a mountain hold you back from your first training walk!

Talk to yourself like you would your best friend, or like a child who’s in your life. Didn’t quite manage what you wanted to do today? Tomorrow is a new day.

There is freedom in consistent adequacy.

I hope this perspective helps you as much as it has helped me.

Want to work with me?

I work as an empowerment coach with women all over the world.

You are already enough. As a coach, I create a safe space for you to realise that, and to move forward towards your dreams. We’ll explore what isn’t working, help you release negative self-talk and put practices in place so that you feel empowered by your life, and excited for what is to come! Head to the work with me page to find out more and book a free, no-obligation 20-minute chemistry call.