Are you holding onto an old version of you?

Do you have goals? When did you set them? Are they old or new?

If they’re old, when was the last time you considered them? Do you really want the same things you wanted five years ago or have they just become a part of you, a part of the furniture of your mind? Perhaps those goals have morphed into things you don’t really want anymore, but that you hold onto. Maybe you have been using these unachieved goals as another stick to beat yourself with. This is what I have been doing anyhow.

I may be young or old compared to you, however old you are reading this. Perhaps you read my words and goals as wise or as naive, I hope that doesn’t affect you absorbing the message.

Five years ago, I was 24. The things I wanted then look very different to the things I want now. And it’s within my power to (and likely that I will) want completely different things five years from now too. At 24, I wanted to be a marketing director of a global brand, I wanted to earn about £100,000 a year or more, and I wanted to own a flat in Victoria Park village. The flats in Victoria Park were around £400,000 back then. If I saved hard enough, that felt achievable. I can’t bear to think how much those flats are now – might have a look later.

I had this goal to buy one of these flats by the time I was 30. I didn’t know back then, my vision of the London life forever would have faded long before I was 30. I decided three years ago that London wasn’t for me anymore, it was no longer serving me. A lot of the goals I had set – whilst ensconced by my London bubble – automatically got rejected. But what didn’t get rejected was the behaviours that went alongside some of those goals and the belief that I needed those behaviours to be successful. When I was in London, I discovered The Miracle Morning. Have any of you read that book? It is by Hal Elrod, and I have a friend here in Siem Reap who still swears by it.

Back in London, my morning would begin with a 5 am wake up. I would write and then meditate. Finally, I would walk or cycle to either the gym or yoga studio to work out or do a yoga class. I’d be in the office by 8:15 am. 5 am in the morning for me is now impossible. I mean, I’m sure it’s not impossible, in that the very word itself (as the self-help books so often tell us) means I’m possible. But it feels a way off for me now. Yet, I am a different person now to the person I was then. And the truth is that those 5 am wake ups were the only way I could fit everything I wanted to do into a day when I was drinking. When every night after work was filled with going out and socialising, and even when I stopped drinking my evenings looked the same, I had to find time to fit in what was important to me.

Re-review priorities 

Leaving London meant that I rejigged my priorities. I got time to do the things that are important to me in hours of the day that that fitted with my own cycle of being. I could do the 5 am wake ups when it felt like my only option. But I have been fortunate: both when I was in Norfolk and now in Siem Reap, to have a life where I have time to do the things I enjoy. And they don’t have to be enjoyed at 5 in the morning anymore.

With recent times, the virus, and things going into lockdown I’ve had a little more time. And maybe you have too. But I have found myself still hating that I no longer get up at five in the morning. I have realised that I have held on to the belief that to be successful you need to be an early riser, but the truth is the only time I’ve managed to be that early riser was in those London days. I am a person that needs a lot of sleep. I accompany the “you need to get up early to be successful” belief with calling myself lazy and giving myself a hard time for the sleep I need.

(I am very jealous if you love the early mornings, and deeply sorry if you are a parent who longs for a lie in to have spent so long talking about this). 

Would I give a baby a hard time for needing to sleep? No. Would I call a friend of mine lazy for getting the eight or nine hours sleep they require? Do I judge my best friend who regularly sleeps 9:10 am on a weekday? No. Do I judge my family, one of whom quite often sleeps until midday because they stay up till 2 am in the morning, for their sleep habits? Okay, sometimes but that’s because late nights are not particularly good for your health according to research. But truthfully, it’s none of my business.

Look at your beliefs

What is my business, is the way that I speak to myself. And the beliefs that I hold. Yes, the beliefs we hold are ingrained in us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change them. What beliefs are you holding onto that hold you back? What beliefs are you holding onto that were helpful for an old version of you, but not this new version of you?

The things I want now are different to the things I wanted then. My goals, objectives, and aims are more fluid now. They are less based on achieving things and more focused on how I want to feel. Yes, I would still like to have more money in the bank and to be able to do a handstand, but I know that at the root of these goals I’m searching for feelings. What I really want, when I delve deeper, is to feel safe, secure, easeful, love, joy, and freedom.

I roll my eyes at myself reading the things that I want. Safety, security, a life full of ease, love, joy and freedom. It sounds like a pipedream. It would probably be easier – and much less confronting – to aim to buy a new house or get a promotion, and achieving those things may still be the result of focussing on the feelings of love and safety and security. Yet the thing is with a promotion, when you achieve it, the question becomes what’s next. If you are aiming towards a feeling of safety and security, you win every-single-day that you feel safe and secure. And the more you work towards feeling safe and secure, the safer and more secure you feel. Food for thought.

Back to those old beliefs, the belief I had that you have to wake up early to be successful. It’s perpetuated by the media as many of our beliefs are – all of those morning porn articles that do the rounds on women’s websites and Linkedin that talk about successful people’s morning routine. I even wrote one on my blog once. I used to pride myself in that early morning. And whilst I would like to have a bit more of a routine that’s not wake up half an hour 10 minutes before the first thing I need to do, splash my face and typically put my yoga clothes on so that I can teach my morning class. The truth is, or at least this is what I have now adjusted my belief to be, successful people do what is right for them. Some people might get up early in the morning, some people might do their best work 9-to-5, and some people might work at the weekend. Not getting up early doesn’t mean I won’t be successful, just like getting up early could mean you will be successful. Whatever works for you, and whatever works for me.

This isn’t really about early mornings. I can see that. Hopefully, you can see that too. This is about the beliefs that hold us back. And the old versions of ourselves that we hold onto, sometimes even believing they were better versions of ourselves. I used to fantasise about that old productive version of me. I would find myself wishing I was her, wishing I could have that level of drive again. But using the ‘old me’ to beat up the ‘new me’ is a form of self-sabotage and self-hatred.  it is not helpful. What is helpful is looking forward, looking at what I want to achieve in the future. Considering how I want to feel moving forwards, and selecting my beliefs and behaviours according to that. To look back and say ‘that’s not who I am anymore. This is who I am now and who I want to be’, is powerful.

Who do you want to be? 

Who do you want to be? Can you answer that question without looking backwards? I know it’s tempting to spend a lot of time in the past, maybe thinking about how much you used to weigh, or exercise, or earn. They call this push motivation. Sometimes we can use this backward glancing to motivate ourselves and to move forwards towards our goals, but it only works to a point. And leaning on it too much perpetuates a cycle of self-hatred. Looking forwards to who you want to be. Being proud of who you are, and imagining the future you, holding that image of who you will be – one, three, or five years from now – in your mind is much kinder. Or at least, I find it feels much kinder to me.

I hold an image of myself now in my head, it is me on my 30th birthday. My life doesn’t really look much different, but I feel different. I have been much closer to severe depression over the last few months than I would like to have been, depression is something I’ve spoken about often before. (You can move 10,000 miles from home but you can’t escape yourself.) Anyway, this version of me on my 30th birthday – May 5^th 2021 in case you wanted to put it in your diary – bounces out of bed in the morning. She has a routine but she doesn’t hold it against herself if she breaks it, for reasons like it being her 30th birthday. She looks after herself, she makes healthy food decisions (like eating cake on her birthday), she speaks excellent Khmer – practices it regularly and always does her homework, she makes time for friends, and she has good boundaries with technology. She is so happy to be alive. This is who I’m working towards being now, I want to be excited by life. Even re-reading that vision makes me feel excited. And I don’t think I’m going to become this version of me by hating myself for not getting up at 5 am.

What is holding you back? 

As you’ve been reading this, have you identified any beliefs that might be holding you back? Can you see where you might be holding onto old goals, or old versions of you, instead of looking forward?

If you are here because you struggle with drinking and are interested in sobriety, maybe you even have a few non-successful attempts of stopping drinking under your belt, could you spend some time today picturing the future version of you? The future sober version of you? What does that person look like, how do they live, how do they feel? How does it feel for future you to be one year sober? What have you achieved over that year? Can you create a really vivid picture of you living your best, happiest, alcohol-free life? And can you think of that, that happy sober you, the next time you’re beating yourself up for your sobriety not having stuck yet? This can be the new you.

It might not be sobriety you’re after, perhaps it is not on your radar or you might be already sober (congrats sober friend, virtual high-five), what is holding you back? Is there a stick you use to beat yourself with, based on who you used to be?

Let’s look forward, not backward. Let’s be kind to ourselves in this journey of personal growth. The world is hard enough to navigate as it is without being our own worst enemies.

I am rooting for you, the new you.

Looking back can be useful sometimes, but don’t get stuck in the past. There are only so many lessons we can learn, let’s move forwards together.

What is the vision of the new you you are moving towards? Are you ready to become your best self?

Comment, or email me, and let me know!

WORK WITH ME

Are you struggling with low self-esteem, self-doubt and feeling not good enough?

I help women to overcome imposter syndrome, build confidence and embrace being enough.

As your life coach, I’ll worth with you to get you unstuck and enjoying life. From here, you can create the life that you desire.

Are you ready to live a life that feels as good as it looks? Find out more about working with me.

Enjoyed this & like Pinterest? Pin my blog to help more people read it 🙂